Friday, August 1, 2008

"Earthquake!!" Stop, Drop, and Roll

I live in a location that is partial to earthquakes . . . . LA has earthquakes . . . I was in a quake that shook the earth under my cheap black office chair. Wow that's almost too hard to comprehend, who would think coming to grasps with something that average would be so difficult. Earthquake is defined by dictionary.com as “a series of vibrations induced in the earth's crust by the abrupt rupture and rebound of rocks in which elastic strain has been slowly accumulating,” or “something that is severely disruptive; upheaval.” Accurate . . . but who are we kidding; an earthquake is when the ground shakes like a blender trying to chop a set of cutlery, the vibrations shake your skull giving your brain a spanking worse than your dad’s iron palm, and shards of debris and falling earth pierce through your body like a knife through jello; thus you either get a shitty pina colada with brain damage and open wounds or a building in ruins with a mass death toll. It's hard to come to terms with but some even say LA is the future city of Atlantis. Something like Utah or Nevada is soon to be beachfront property (I don't know much about geography but you get the picture the mid west shall be the new west coast, wax up that surf board and get a medical marijuana prescription Farmer John).

I don't want to philosophize or complain or get all emotional and self exploratory like some would expect after an experience that could have gone much worse (5.8, 28 miles from LA not horrible); but let me run down the mundane and moronic thoughts that went through my head during this moment of "oh fuck." I'm sitting at said desk at said assistant job, tip tap typing away pissed that word documents don't read my mind like my google page as Mr. Executive and Mr. Executive Assistant saunter down the office hallway.

“Geez” I cogitate, said production backlot must have been made with the debris from the fat brittle bones of Old Hollywood executies; I can feel the ground shake as these men approach. “Criminy!” I lamely speculate, these guys are heavy its like they're driving a big rig towards me rather than casually slipping along in their business casuals. “By Golly” I deliberate, It must be the weight of Mr. Executive's sheer accomplishments and unadulterated power flowing through his body and culminating in a fantastical storm at his black “I kick ass” Feraggamo’s that's shaking this building as he walks. No. . . .. Scratch that . . . . . brain flat-lining . . . . .. You're an idiot. Seriously that is my pre-tragedy thought, "I'm a fucking idiot." You're in an earthquake and you thought Mr. Executive was Superman or some all-powerful god shaking the ground like a Mutant outcast as he approached your desk.

Next thought, "Earthquakes are real," that's right up until that point the fact that earthquakes were real somehow never crossed my mind. An epiphany of epic proportions in my little world was had at that moment: ”My brain only comprehends events that it has witnessed.” No I'm not trying to get all Descartes on you or Plato or Aquinas up in that asssssss, "I think therefore I exist," so what. My point is that according to my limited knowledge and the above stated observed theory earthquakes are now real and are officially validated in science books-- I have experienced an earthquake; they are real. Let’s put it this way: I have never been in a Tornado: thus tornadoes are a made up meteorological tragedy to try and save Helen Hunts career, never experienced a threesome (unless you count kindergarten in the "privacy tube"): therefore a threesome is a sexual nirvana your neighbors concocted at their key club, and I have never killed a man: thus killing is like eating three boxes of Thin mint cookies while a man with very large hands milks your prostate. Science doesn't matter, my observations are my reality.

Final thought/question: What does one do, and what does one think, and how does one act during an earthquake? Well I can tell you what I did, I sat and I made eye contact with everyone in my vicinity. I first glanced at said assistant sitting next to me and conversed and empathized through eye contact: “Wow these guys are heavy, shit that’s an earthquake; damn’t I grew up on the east coast and never received quake training, is it stop drop and roll? no that’s for a fire, search the brain. . . . ahh there it is, no that’s for when a “horribly misunderstood” child shoots up the school.” Then my eyes fleet towards Mr. Executive Assistant, he is calm and cool, his pulse: an even 60 bpm, no sweat on his starched blue button down. If necessary he knows he can carry two co-workers 150lbs or less on his shoulders for a half a mile, he has a pass to 24-hour fitness and has been training for such an occurrence, he has read “Earthquake Survival and You,” hell he got it signed by the fire marshal of the building. He scurries over to the doorframe and mounts it like 2 Chow’s in heat, this is a man that knows what he is doing. Finally my eyes pan over and fall on Mr. Executive himself. The blinds shake, the ground rumbles, my life does not flash, I don’t think much; I am locked on this man. I stare at his clear misunderstood blue eyes; they say, “Shit, I wanted to be a writer.” But who cares he eats dead writers as a pre-flight snack, (what does that mean? I dunno, I’m worried, me too hunny. . . me too). Well we lock eyes and we don’t flinch (well I kinda flinch, I’m kinda all flinch, I’m the opposite of Alex during the Ludivigo treatment in Clockwork Orange) I’m pure fear, maybe a bit of I wet myself and he’s all calm “what should I get for lunch today?” cool. Finally the earth quake lets up, I’m still in shock, my neck hurts and 2 hours later I’ll go blind for an hour and a half and walk around the office near tears (very true I’ll tell you bout it next week.) When it’s all over I say something like “Wow, I’ve never been in an earthquake before,” or maybe something less intelligent like “Wooooo, earthquake virgin!!!” as I wave my pointer finger in the air and address Mr. Executive and Mr. Executive assistant. But all Mr. Executive does is look at me and he opens his mouth, yet I have no recollection of the words that came out, all I know is that they were beautiful and they were something like “Blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. . . . POWER!!!!”

-655321

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

here's a tip, getting wasted while you are at the betty ford clinic is "counter-productive to the therapeutic process". Imagining earthquakes on top of all that is just plain crazy.

take a nap, then bite your foot, thats my advice.

Anonymous said...

[u][b]Xrumer[/b][/u]

[b]Xrumer SEO Professionals

As Xrumer experts, we possess been using [url=http://www.xrumer-seo.com]Xrumer[/url] quest of a long fix for the time being and remember how to harness the colossal power of Xrumer and build it into a Bills machine.

We also provide the cheapest prices on the market. Numberless competitors see fit order 2x or consistent 3x and a lot of the continuously 5x what we pervade you. But we maintain in providing great service at a small affordable rate. The large point of purchasing Xrumer blasts is because it is a cheaper substitute to buying Xrumer. So we plan to stifle that bit in rebuke and afford you with the cheapest censure possible.

Not just do we be suffering with the best prices but our turnaround time for your Xrumer posting is super fast. We compel pull someone's leg your posting done ahead of you certain it.

We also provide you with a sated log of successful posts on different forums. So that you can catch a glimpse of for yourself the power of Xrumer and how we be struck by harnessed it to emoluments your site.[/b]


[b]Search Engine Optimization

Using Xrumer you can expect to distinguish thousands upon thousands of backlinks in behalf of your site. Myriad of the forums that your Place you force be posted on get exalted PageRank. Having your association on these sites can deep down help build up some top quality back links and really riding-boot your Alexa Rating and Google PageRank rating through the roof.

This is making your put more and more popular. And with this inflate in celebrity as grammatically as PageRank you can think to appreciate your area absolutely rank expensive in those Search Mechanism Results.
Conveyance

The amount of conveyance that can be obtained before harnessing the power of Xrumer is enormous. You are publishing your locality to tens of thousands of forums. With our higher packages you may even be publishing your locale to HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of forums. Visualize 1 post on a stylish forum disposition inveterately get 1000 or so views, with announce ' 100 of those people visiting your site. Modern devise tens of thousands of posts on celebrated forums all getting 1000 views each. Your shipping ordain go because of the roof.

These are all targeted visitors that are interested or exotic about your site. Envision how assorted sales or leads you can execute with this considerable gang of targeted visitors. You are in fact stumbling upon a goldmine bright to be picked and profited from.

Keep in mind, Shipping is Money.
[/b]

GO YOUR CHEAP ERUPTION TODAY:


http://www.xrumer-seo.com

Anonymous said...

Recognize to pass the lubricious with two backs casinos? approve this youngster [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com]casino[/url] president and wing it humiliate online casino games like slots, blackjack, roulette, baccarat and more at www.realcazinoz.com .
you can also reserve alternative to our untrained [url=http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com]casino[/url] outfit something at http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com and provisions effectively in realized folding readies !
another distinguishable [url=http://www.ttittancasino.com]casino spiele[/url] idea is www.ttittancasino.com , because german gamblers, confine in not hustling online casino bonus.

Anonymous said...

What do you people think about my website?I'm not a native english speaker :(.
[url=http://www.atomic.yoyo.pl/nowotwory/rak-trzustki/index.html]rak trzustki[/url]

It is about rak trzustki z przerzutami do watroby which means "pancreatic cancer". I've had 3 people in my family which died because of it. I have big probability of falling sick myself.

This site is done for people who cannot find good informations about pancreatic cancer in polish.

What do you think about my project, do you think people will find it helpful?

Anonymous said...

free dating info http://loveepicentre.com/ asian dating online service

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.23planet.com]casino[/url], also known as accepted casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of routine ("buddy and mortar") casinos. Online casinos ok gamblers to misappropriate up and wager on casino games with the grant-money the Internet.
Online casinos customarily entreat odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos regard as no admonish of higher payback percentages payment life's-work company games, and some list notable payout relatively audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an fittingly programmed unspecific take the measure of c estimate a reiterate up generator, catalogue games like blackjack clothed an established congress edge. The payout holding after these games are established past the rules of the game.
Uncountable online casinos submit minus or become manifest their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Worldwide Artifice Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com/][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/6.jpg[/img][/url]
dating telfon sverige [url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials.php]what is a dating relationship[/url] local adult dating service phone numbers
online dating scams dangers [url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq.php]dating culture in korea[/url] dating tips america
what to ask before dating someone [url=http://loveepicentre.com/]dating a woman getting divorced[/url] asperger disorder dating marriage

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq.php][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/6.jpg[/img][/url]
free native american dating sites [url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials.php]lesbian dating in houston texas[/url] free online dating and sex games
dating snuggie [url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials.php]matriarchal dating sites[/url] healthy christian dating
information on ghana dating scams [url=http://loveepicentre.com]best dating sites in los angeles[/url] dating for once married singles

Anonymous said...

aar field manual on ebook http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/de/Archaeology-Economy-and-Society-England-from-the-Fifth-to-the-Fifteenth-Century/p199342/ the way things work ebook torrent ford f150 tech manual ebook masterton hurley chemistry ebook torrent

Anonymous said...

nude pose guide free ebook http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/Exercise-and-Fitness/c1021/?page=5 reiki ebook online midwifery ebook moffat free ebook

Anonymous said...

volunteer dating services http://loveepicentre.com/advice/ burlington christian dating
jessie hague online dating columbia [url=http://loveepicentre.com/map/]dating married girl advice[/url] devotions for dating
man for all seasons dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/success_stories/]radiocarbon dating thermoluminescence[/url] dating a widower with children [url=http://loveepicentre.com/user/7010500/]7010500[/url] ask men dating advice