Wednesday, July 2, 2008

If it's not Christmas, Why the Hell am I Up?

A topical rant on a topic you mustn't know:

Do you ever just wanna fall asleep and only wake up on Christmas Day? Just get rid of your problems, the flies constantly buzzing through your daydreams, your seemingly tragic plight and stuff it all in for a hibernation of 364 days. Get rid of your cell phone, get rid of your computer, no such thing as email, no such thing as meetings, no such thing as appointments, no nagging neighbors or bill collectors. Your life is that one day; and you better make it worth it.

What’s perfect about Christmas is it’s the one day a year where everyone is an actor. You don’t have to be Brad Pitt to put a smile on your face and pretend your wife hasn’t gained five pounds every year for the last 15 years (yes that’s 75 rolly polly greasy pounds extra for you to love), "why no honey squeeze into that size 4 and stick that gigantic cantankerous mass in my face." You don’t have to be Tom Hanks to carve the family turkey and tell your son that you love his new boyfriend and feel perfectly comfortable with them culminating their relationship in your marital bed. And you don’t have to be Reese Witherspoon to give your husband a hand job while you flip through your Vogue magazine reading about how much "power the female hand has over the dick" and pretend it’s better than that ring you've been eyeing at Michaels Jewelers.

Imagine how rested you would feel if you slept every single day of the year except that one day; Christmas day. If you were born on this earth and all you knew was that one day a year; a day where people pretend they like shitty cake to curb negative relationships, they get loaded off sugary concoctions to deal with assholes that happen to share blood with them, and smiles are pasted in cyberspace forever recorded as digital memories. 75 days of life tops probably, that's all you could really hope for or expect. 75 days of an illusion that it’s all ok, that your parents don’t disprove of your lifestyle, that without a raise you won't post a youtube video titled "Larry destroys his office with a Louisville Slugger because he is underpaid and under appreciated", that the angel of death will strike every house except your white picketed piece of paradise. 75 days of covering up that you hate meatloaf, that you never loved your wife, that dad goes to the strip club because boners aren’t free, and that you can't stand to look at yourself naked in the mirror anymore because your balls/tits (lets really open this up) have become passengers rather than drivers in that failing body of yours. Imagine that; every day is red and green jello shots, every day reeks of pine and dead bird, every day is Starbucks seasonal menu (Caramel Apple Cider ahhhhhhh), every day there’s a more advanced I-pod under the tree with Steve Jobs briefing you on advances expected for Christmas number 33.

I’ll tell you what you would think, you’d probably think that this world is pretty decent, and that people are good at keeping secrets, and that society is overall pretty friendly and righteous, and that you wish you could be awake for the other 364 days of the year that you miss. But you know what you’d be wrong, because the only day, the only single day a year when families are civil and life is moral and upholds the values we are taught to look for, (if not a fake personification of a societal norm),is the one day you are awake a year and it’s all F U C K I N G fake.


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